Don’t Make Me Go Out

Oh my God, please don’t make me go out on a night out. Don’t make me go out out. I’m very almost 42 year of age and I’ve finally come to the conclusion, I fucking hate going out. Now, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t an anti-social piece. I love socialising. I love my friends. I love getting together with them for a gossip  discussion about world politics and down bucket loads of pinot grigio enjoy a tipple or two with them, BUT going out into the outside world and rubbing shoulders with strangers just isn’t my ideal way to spend my spare time anymore.

I’ve been thinking about my favourite social appointments that I’ve had over the last year and which ones I’ve enjoyed the most. Every single one of them has involved being inside a home rather than actually being out.

1) A Halloween party- at a friend’s HOUSE

2) A 50th Birthday party- at my cousin’s HOUSE

3) A wedding anniversary party- at my aunt’s HOUSE

4) My Mum’s 70th- at my brother’s HOUSE

5) Drinks with all my Mum friends- at one of their HOUSES

6) A dinner party- at a friend’s HOUSE

7) A New Year’s Eve party- at a friend’s HOUSE

You get the idea. Love socialising. Hate being in the real world.

Advantages to socialising in homes rather than the real world:

  • don’t have to queue to get a drink
  • economically pleasing
  • nice and cosy. Ooh I do like cosy
  • much more comfortable. Call me boring, but I like a seat and a comfortable seat at that
  • I can actually hear what people are saying
  • not as much pressure to dress up. I think I’m done with dressing up. I can’t wear heels anyway and I’ve no interest in anyone else finding me sexually attractive and quite frankly, I just can’t be arsed.
  • you get to stay in one place the whole evening. No faffing about, walking from bar to bar and as this is the UK- usually in the rain.
  • don’t have to contend with being felt up at the bar. Some people might actually miss this special feature of going out out though.
  • free snacks
  • warmer. Your evening begins inside. You stay inside.
  • More potential to have control over what music is played.

Advantages of going out out:

  • I like pub quizzes. I don’t mind going out for a pub quiz. And just staying in that pub all evening. You know, a nice cosy pub with comfortable seats and an open fire and music not too loud. Like a home from home kind of pub.
  • And I like eating out because you know- food. However, not too often. And I prefer eating out during the day really to be honest. A boozy lunch. I’m up for that.
  • Going out in the evening is good if you like going out in the evening. I don’t.

Now please understand, when I have gone out out with friends, I’ve had plenty of excellent nights. It’s just that as I get older and let’s be completely honest here more boring and much, much more lazy, I like these nights out to be few and far between. Unless you’re inviting me to your gaff for a knees up, then I’d be there in a shot. In all seriousness, I really struggle to hear what’s being said when I go out out, so increasingly it’s just not that much fun for me. The best nights I’ve had out out in recent years have been nights out with just one other person and that’s probably because everything they say is directed towards me at close proximity i.e. I get to hear most of what they say. However, hearing problems aside, I do also feel like I’m a lazy arse when it comes to going out out, so I still don’t think I could be bothered to go to the effort of going out even if I could hear perfectly.

In conclusion, going out is shit and I’m surprised it’s still a thing. Staying in is everything.

What about you? Are you team going out or team staying in?

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Here’s a recent picture of me going out whilst remaining inside a house. I thoroughly recommend it.

 

The School Run Game

Guess what gang? I’ve invented a new board game. It’s called (just in case you didn’t discern this from the title of this post) The School Run Game. Yes, it’s a board game based on getting your little darlings to school on time. The game will come with little mum or dad shaped counters that will smack of existential angst. There’ll also be a dice that you throw to see what fate you and the light of your life will meet during the school run. Now  until the game gets the final approval from Hasbro*, I’m sharing below all the fun you can come across during the The School Run Game. With a handy dice, a pen and paper and some dried up raisins for counters you could probably play the game at home right now. Enjoy!

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  • You bark at child until they have their coat on (never done up), shoes on (probably on wrong feet) and hopefully with their school bag. Excellent start (go forward one place)
  • You leave the house at 8:40am and it’s perfectly dry. Torrential downpour commences at 8:41am & continues until 9:10am when it suddenly becomes perfectly dry and sunny again. (Swear under breath)
  • See a parent ahead that you can’t be bothered to have a conversation with. You walk really slowly so that you don’t catch up with them (go back one place)
  • Look behind you and see lots of parents you know well enough to have a conversation with, but notice that they’re all walking really slowly and probably won’t catch up with you (Cry inside)
  • It’s winter, you’re in the UK, it’s icy, you slip and land on your arse. You sit and cry and seriously consider commando crawling all the way to school (miss a turn)
  • Your child slips on ice and lands on their arse. You yank them back up, tell them they’re fine and march on regardless. You ain’t going to be late for school again and a little slip on the ice isn’t going to delay you (go forward one space)
  • A little shit A small child whizzes past you on their scooter, whacking your hand as they do so (which fucking kills) and then they suddenly stop in front of you, causing you to suddenly stop in your tracks and you put your left knee out (go back two places)**
  • You arrive at the school gates and conveniently there’s an impromptu game of football taking place RIGHT BY THE GATES. The football naturally whacks you on your head, knocks your glasses off and you yell at no one in particular (go back one place)
  • Inside the school gates, you see a member of the PTA looking hopefully in your direction. You pull a speedy, dodging move that the best rugby players in the word would be in admiration of (go forward two places)
  • You see your favourite school mum and literally skip towards them for a gossip pleasant chat (go forward three places)
  • Your child falls and lands in a muddy puddle. The twat. (miss a turn)
  • Your child has an argument with another child and no one can understand what it’s about. And nobody ever does…(go back one place)
  • You get caught up in a horde of active wear mums about to go on a group run (go back two places)
  • Whilst waiting for the school to open, you get stuck with the playground bore describing in minute detail their plans for the day (Cry inside again)
  • You forgot your child’s pack lunch, you absolute bellend (go back to the start)
  • Your child for absolutely no explicable reason decides that they don’t want to go to school today and they start crying. Between you and the teacher pushing them into the classroom, you managed it. You’re heartbroken, beaten up, traumatised, but you got your child to school on time whilst keeping them alive. Congratulations. You win.

*Hasbro are actually yet to learn of my brilliant idea

**Feel free to read my further thoughts on fucking scooters here

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Actual photo of me on the school run

Ironing: why bother?

Quite what is the point of ironing? I’ll help you out here: none.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not some kind of useless domestic failure. I love cooking, I’m one of those weirdos that actually enjoys cleaning and tidying and I’m a whizz at organising my daughter’s school/social life. However, ironing can just go swivel.

It’s times like this that I don’t feel like a proper woman. I’m fully aware that that sentence alone smacks of sexism. Just because I don’t iron, why does this make me less of a woman? Now *I* know it doesn’t make me less of a woman and you dear reader, will probably (hopefully) feel like it doesn’t make me less of woman. However, according to a recent study, women do all the ironing in 4 out of 5 households in the UK. Also, when 95% of my female friends all iron and talk about their huge piles of ironing that they have to get done, it’s usually met with either a blank look from yours truly, a slightly disingenuous “oh dear, how depressing” utterance or a hilarious suggestion that they should just get drunk to get through the ironing. In my head, it is also predictably met with “why the fuck do you have to do the ironing every time. What’s wrong with your husband’s arms?”. It is also met with “what even is ironing?”.

So confession time.

I’ve never ironed in my life.

I don’t even own an iron.

Thus, my child’s clothes don’t even get ironed. Not even her school uniform.

Yep, as I was saying. I sometimes don’t feel like a proper woman. Or at least a stereotyped version of a woman. And I definitely don’t feel like an adult, but that could be for a whole host of reasons. Probably best not to pull on that thread right now.

You see, I just don’t see the point. Ironing takes up a lot of time. According to this new study, on average, a woman will spend around 3,000 hours of her life ironing a pile of clothes that is four times taller than the height of the Shard building. Mate, life is too short for that. I can think of better ways to spend my time. Such as watching TV (yeah I know I could iron and watch TV at the same time, but call me foolish, but I like to sit and relax whilst I watch RuPaul’s Drag Race. I know us women are meant to be good at multi-tasking, but we really shouldn’t have to do it all the time), reading, baking, tickling my 7 year old until she vomits (true story, I’ve achieved this several times. It’s a mark of good parenting. Trust me*) blogging about why I don’t iron or anything but ironing.

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But aren’t all your husband’s shirts creased, I hear you cry?

  1. The state of my husband’s shirts are solely not my responsibility. If he wants pristine, crease free shirts, he can buy an iron and iron the fuckers himself.
  2. We have found that hanging his shirts up in the bathroom whilst he has a shower, pretty much leaves them crease-free anyway. This is how lazy people try and make themselves look presentable, people. Feel free to take note.

But don’t you feel guilty sending your child to school with a creased uniform?

Nope. Next question.

No, but really don’t you?

Look, her polo shirts don’t really crease and if they are a bit creased, they tend to sort themselves out after hanging in the wardrobe for a bit. Same goes for the dresses. Her pinafore dresses cover most of the shirts anyway, so even if there are a few creases left, nobody will bloody see them anyway. Plus, she’s 7. If you can’t have slightly creased clothes at 7 years old, when can you?

But I find ironing really relaxing. It’s like meditating for me.

Good for you, but it’s not for me. I find drinking copious amounts of Pinot Grigio whilst cyber stalking ex-boyfriends meditative. We all find our peace in different ways.

Sometimes, I feel quite alone with my opinion that ironing is the biggest waste of time. I know there are kindred non-ironing spirits out there. I just feel like either I’m seriously behind society with my lack of ironing participation OR myself and other non-ironers have discovered something that others are yet to (non-iron) cotton on to. And that is, there is literally no point in ironing. In fact, I’d go as far to say that I feel it was designed purely to enslave women to their domestic chores. I’m making a serious point here guys**. Chucking your iron away is as good as burning your bra.

So, are you with me or against me? Do you love your iron or like me, do you never touch one?

*Don’t ever trust me.

**I may be hyperbolising with my theory here

 

 

 

Curly Girl Issues

So, if like me you have unruly, curly, frizzy hair there are problems that you have to deal with that only us Curly Girls can truly understand. Here’s just a handful of them.

When you’re watching Brave and Merida wakes up in the morning and you think “Mate, I feel your pain” (and you have to have been with your partner for at LEAST several decades before you let them see your morning hair).

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When having your hair rained on means your hair ends up resembling Phil Spectar’s. On a good day.

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When the weather is hot, your spirit animal becomes Monica Geller in Barbados.

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When your straight haired friend complains of their hair getting a bit frizzy in the rain.6717335be79db197a7fe9ec77f2d2b7c

When you have red, curly hair and you hilariously get compared to either Merida, Rebekah Brooks or worse Spuggy from Byker Grove. No actually, the worst is Mick Hucknall.

When you look back at photos of yourself from the 80s and/or 90s and you’re just grateful that social media didn’t exist back then.

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When your straight haired friend tries to give you advice on how to control your curls “Have you tried just using a bit of Frizz Ease?”.

Genius idea, it’s not like I’ve already tried using every single product available for curly hair in a pathetically vain attempt to control my hair already. Good one. I suppose you’re going to suggest I try brushing my hair too

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Do you remember that time you had a good hair day? Yeah, you remember, it was back in 2003. In June. On a Tuesday.

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When you’ve just styled your hair and you’ve done it all wrong and the only way to fix it, is to jump in the shower and wash your hair all over again.

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When your hairdresser suggests cutting you a fringe (and you never go to that hairdresser again as they clearly know nothing about curly hair. Also, do they not remember Spuggy?!).

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When you see all the wonderful, different hairstyles your straight haired friends can get and your choices are short or long and side parting or centre parting.

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When your straight haired friends say they can use any old shampoo and conditioner off the shelf.

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Even worse, when they announce they don’t even use conditioner.

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When it’s been windy outside.

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But when you’re pretty sure that having curly hair somehow gives you super powers.

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So curly girls (and boys), is there anything that I’ve missed out? Do you love your curls or hate them?

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The stress of having curly hair (it’s ok, I like my curls really)

 

Top 10 British Sitcoms

Despite its many faults (and I ain’t just talking about the rain), Britain has many strengths and I’ve always considered our humour to be its best (along with fish ‘n’ chips, how charitable we are, our Paralympics team and David Attenborough. Obvs). We are hilarious and nobody finds us as funny as we find ourselves. It’s not often us Brits can have a conversation without subtly (or even obviously) throwing a bit of humour in. In fact, if a conversation has continued for more than 5 minutes without anything humorous having been uttered then we start to break out in a cold sweat and somebody had better mutter something self-deprecating or joke about tits and willies before all hell breaks loose and British society implodes (this isn’t an exaggeration. Trust me).

The British Sitcom is an almost poetic portrayal of our unique humour. Yes, we love our irony and how can I put this- ‘piss-taking’, but our humour is often steeped in humanity and good old fashioned silliness. So, here is my list of my all time favourite British sitcoms. I’ve provided clips or a compilation of clips for each entry too for you to enjoy. Our favourite sitcoms are a very personal thing, so much so, I fully expect people to exclaim that they can’t believe I haven’t included this sitcom or that sitcom in my list or that I put a certain sitcom above another one, but it’s MY list and you know, you’ll just have to find a way of coping (Seriously though I would love to hear which are your favourites too). Deciding which of the plethora of excellent British sitcoms make my top ten has not been easy and I could have easily have done a top twenty.

Please be assured there is NO Mrs Brown’s Boys in this top 10.

(It is my no.11 though)*

10. Toast of London (2012-?)

There was an article written about Toast of London, entitled ‘The Funniest Sitcom That Nobody is Watching” and it is indeed strangely an undiscovered gem, so many have yet to unearth. If you want a wonderfully silly British sitcom, then here is a perfect example of one. Steven Toast is an old-fashioned, failing, middle-aged actor. It features an abundance of guest stars (John Hamm, Michael Ball, an alcoholic Peter Davison and not to mention a dodgy John Nettles) and is my most recent sitcom to feature on this list. So, if you haven’t watched it, I thoroughly recommend you correct this unfortunate error. The highlight of this show is when Toast’s world clashes with the world of the hipsters that he does his voice recordings with, so I’ve selected a clip which illustrates this nicely, with the great Clem Fandango for you.

9. The Young Ones (1982-1984)

My Mum wouldn’t let me watch The Young Ones when it was first on TV (I guess I was only 6-8 years old, but I do remember begging her to no avail once). However, she did my brother and I the Comic Relief single that they did with Cliff Richard (which is, incidentally, the best Comic Relief single to date). At 15, when I became obsessed with Bottom (the TV show starring Rik Mayall & Adrian Edmondson, not people’s posteriors) and maybe in some kind of defiance, I bought and absolutely loved the Young Ones double VHS. I loved its maniacal style and post-punk insanity that rarely made much sense. It all ended perfectly with them driving themselves off of a “Cliff”. Please excuse my Rik Mayall (I loved him) indulgence with the following clip.

8. The Royale Family (1998-2012)

Here is a sitcom that one minute will have you crying with laughter and then sobbing your heart out the next. We all remember the beautiful scene where Barbara brushes her ailing Mum’s Hair or the scene when Jim sits on the bathroom floor with Denise mid-labour, don’t we? Caroline Aherne was an extraordinary talent. She seemed to know how to make us all both laugh and cry in equal measure. The key to the Royale Family is its ordinariness and its familial charm. Here’s a clip of the perfect marital argument over the TV remote control.

7. Fawlty Towers (1975-1979)

Basil Fawlty was the perfect role for John Cleese. Nobody could’ve played the permanently disgruntled hotel manager on the brink of a breakdown as well as him. Not to mention his perfect physical comedy skills. His on-screen partnership with Prunella Scales as his wife, Sybil was outstanding. The pair seemed so utterly wrong for each other, it was a wonder what they saw in each other in the first place. This wonderfully farcical (and I usually hate farces) sitcom, always seemed very theatrical to me and it is of no surprise that it has now been turned into a stage show. Please enjoy this clip of Basil reaching the end of his tether yet again and Sybil not caring (yet again). A fine example of why Sybil Fawlty will always be my hero.

6. Blackadder (1982-1989)

This historical sitcom written by Richard Curtis and Ben Elton, was hugely popular and featured a magnificent cast of some of our best comedy actors. An observation of Blackadder that I’ve only noticed in reason years, is how bloody sexy Blackadder was. Who could resist the ruff-clad Blackadder or the would-be-deserter Captain Blackadder? Not I now, clearly. We all remember the devastatingly poignant final moments of the final episode. They’re etched in my mind from when I first watched it with my family at 13 years old. I can still hear the whistles and Baldrick’s last claim that he has a cunning plan. I also remember Blackadder warning Hugh Laurie not to forget his stick just before they go over the top (“No, I wouldn’t want to face a machine gun without my stick” he replied). However, I wanted to show you a pure comedy clip from Blackadder and I’m sorry (completely not sorry), but my love for Rik Mayal prevails, so here’s another clip with him in for you.

5. Father Ted (1995-1998)

“Oh, but it’s an Irish sitcom”, I hear you cry. Well, I do see your point as it stars an Irish cast, was written by two Irish writers and was filmed in Ireland, BUT it is technically a British sitcom as it was made by a British television company for a British TV channel, so it’s in my top 10, so there. The genius of this show lies in Dermot Morgan playing the straight man in his role of Father Ted Crilly. The frustrations endured by his character only highlight the daftness of all the characters that surround him; the childlike and dim (but strangely sexy) Father Dougal, the perpetually inebriated Father Jack (DRINK) and the slightly unhinged Mrs Doyle (ah g’wan Father).

4. Black Books (2000-2004)

So bookshop owner, Bernard Black spends his days drinking wine, reading books and trying to ignore people. In conclusion, he’s essentially living the life I want to live. He also has a pet Manny running around doing chores for him, which is also a life goal of mine. C’mon, we could all do with a pet Manny in our lives. Black Books is set in Bloomsbury, London and considering Black’s lack of desire for customers it is a wonder how it ever managed to stay in business. Black Books won the BAFTA for best sitcom twice and features cameos from lots of the UK’s brightest sitcom stars of the time (Simon Pegg, Jessica Hynes, Nick Frost, Peter Serafinowicz, Omid Djalili, Lucy Davis, Olivia Coleman and so on). Oh and did anyone else fancy Bernard Black? Just me? And what is it with me and male sitcom actors?

3. The Office (2001-2003)

What an absolute joy watching copious amounts of funny clips from the Office was. Choosing just one one was very difficult, but an excellent reminder of how funny it was. Whatever your feelings are of Ricky Gervais, I still stand by the opinion that he and Stephen Merchant were comedy writing geniuses. I’m a fan of both the British and American versions of this sitcom, but the British version is less sentimental and essentially more difficult to watch. The cringe-factor is far higher and I think it is better for it. David Brent is also a less likeable character than Michael Scott. Here illustrates the genius of Gervais and Merchant, they even manage to make an unlikeable character such as Brent likeable (it’s ok I do realise how much I’ve contradicted myself here, but bear with). You feel so much affection for this absolute dickhead. He’s literally my favourite dickhead. I would’ve even liked him as a boss. Just think of the fun you’d have had with your colleagues, mocking him behind his back. Of course I’m not one to condone such behaviour. Ahem. So here’s Brent being an absolute twat. As per. Bless him.

2. I’m Alan Partridge (1997-2002)

Talking about loveable twats, here’s another one for you. Oh Alan with your monotone voice, late night radio show, v-neck jumpers, dated hair do, questionable TV show ideas, who’s best friend is a roadside hotel barman and with your dire social skills- I love you. Partridge’s life is so empty yet full of unfortunate events and badly handled circumstances. Much like The Office, it makes you cringe at the way Partridge tries to endure life. We need characters like Partridge to remind ourselves that we’re not doing so badly ourselves and that at the very least we would have dealt with life’s blows better than Alan would have. I thank you for this Alan. At least I’m not you. At least I don’t have “Cook Pass Babtridge” written in spray paint on the side of my car.

1.Spaced (1999-2001)

So here it is, my all time favourite British sitcom. Much like others on my list (Fawlty Towers, The Office, The Young Ones and I’m Alan Partridge), Spaced only ran for two seasons. Two faultless seasons. Spaced was written about two people and their friends in their twenties. It was on TV at a time when myself and my friends were also in our twenties. It very much felt like Simon Pegg & Jessica Stevenson (now Hynes) had watched my friends and I, and decided to write a sitcom about us. All of the characters in this sitcom are so strong, but my favourite will always be Marsha- my spirit animal. The cinematic style, heavy cultural referencing and hilarious script cemented its popularity and left diehard fans wanting more after it ended after two seasons. I still miss it.

 

The one that almost made it: The Day Today (1994)

A spoof of British news broadcasting, I think now more than ever, we need the return of the Day Today. Please Chris Morris. Please. If you loved this programme, here’s a rather obvious pick, but perpetually brilliant scene with Steve Coogan.

*It’s bloody not!

F**KING SCOOTERS.

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Before we get into this, let me just clarify a few things.

I am a parent.

My child has a scooter.

My child loves scootering.

I let her scooter frequently.

This is not an altogether anti-scooter piece.

HOWEVER.

I fucking HATE scooters.

In particular when scooters are allowed on busy pavements or on the school-run. Stay with me parents-who-let-their-children-scoot-on-the-school-run. I have no beef with it if they have to walk a long way and scootering is the only way some parents can get their little darling to go the distance. It’s especially fine, if they’re considerate enough to make said child/children get off their scooters once they get near the busy pavements by the school gate. I’m totally here for considerate scootering. However, it is not fine when children on scooters are weaving between hordes of people at potentially 25mph on the pavement. It is also not fine when children are so far ahead of their parents on scooters, the parents can’t really see if they’re knocking into people.

Here is the Oxford dictionary definition of the word pavement: A raised paved or asphalted path for pedestrians at the side of a road.

Here is the Oxford dictionary definition of the word pedestrian: A person walking.

Now I’m not about to suggest that children should be scootering in the road.

(Or am I?)

No…maybe…NO, I’m definitely not, BUT if a child knocks into me at speed whilst I’m WALKING on the PAVEMENT one more time, then well, I’ll probably just mumble under my breath or say something passive aggressive, but you get my point.

There is also, the danger aspect. I have seen children speed into roads on their scooters without really looking or if they have been taught to stop and wait for Mummy before crossing (kudos for this at least) then they stop so suddenly that if you’re unlucky enough to be behind them, you almost fall over them.

Also (nope I ain’t finished yet), if one lets one’s child scooter everywhere a) have they got one leg weaker than the other? b) if they’re not regularly walking to places on their own two feet, is this not detrimental to the development of both their muscles and mental approach to walking?

I have veritably seen a parent park their car, get their child out of the car, pass the child a scooter and let the child scoot no more than 20 steps to the entrance of a building. Is it an actuality that the child couldn’t have coped walking those few steps to the entrance of the building? This was also on a busy street plus the child fell off the scooter in front of me and almost knocked me over (relax, the child was fine, but that isn’t important right now).

Worst of all, are the (albeit minority of) parents who allow their children to freely scoot through the school gates and around the school playground with no regards to anyone else. It’s the attitude being perpetuated that WALKING PEDESTRIANS had better move out of the way as a child on a scooter is coming through. For me, a busy school playground is not the place to do this. It’s crowded, lots of people are walking in all different directions, toddlers are toddling about and playgrounds contain adults and children alike with different mobility issues.

Arguments I’ve heard in favour of letting your child scoot everywhere include:

“It’s healthy exercise”. Yes it is, but do you know what else is healthy exercise for your kids? FUCKING WALKING.

“It’s fun”. Correct, but do you know what else is fun? Space hoppers. Shall we let out children space-hop into school too?

“It’s helps get them to school on time”. Tough one. I don’t know, maybe…try…GETTING UP 5 MINUTES EARLIER.

Other reasons to hate scooters; I hate the way they swing round and whack you in the shins when you try to pick them up.

Also, thank God I don’t live in London anymore as some actual grown up actual adulting adults are choosing scooters as a form of transport to get to work on. I mean ACTUAL adult human beings. Scootering. To work. KILL THEM WITH FIRE.

There’s a time and a place for scooters and it’s not on busy streets, it’s not in school playgrounds and it’s not on the way to bloody work (you gigantic, inconsiderate adult-babies). People walking on the pavement should always have priority.

Right, now I’ve clearly turned into Mary Whitehouse, I’m off to complain to the council about people parking badly (I’m not even vaguely joking, readers).

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See I’m not all bad, I even let my own child scooter sometimes. (NB: This is an old picture, she’s about 900yrs old now).

 

World Book Day Joy

World Book Day is upon us and yet again the streets are filled with tiny Harry Potters, Wallys and Alices. Terrifying. Every year many parents lovingly spend hours creating a beautiful costume for their children to wear. However, if you’d rather pay out money for a shiny new costume than spend the time and stress on attempting to cobble something together, then never fear, you can sit down with me. Yes, every year I say to myself “Fuck that” and click a button on the internet smugly, safe in the knowledge that I can spend my time with my child constructively doing things that I’m sure she appreciates much more.

So here are all the wonderful constructive things that I do with my time rather than putting together some sort of witch outfit made from a bit of black material for my child to wear.

  1. Tell my child to just hold on one minute as she begs for a drink whilst I chat irreverent shit to my best mate on Messenger.
  2. Peruse Boden for clothes that I’ll never afford.
  3. Stand in the kitchen for half an hour with all the cupboards, the fridge and the freezer doors open whilst wondering what the hell I can cook for tea tonight.
  4. Repeatedly march up and down the wine aisle with child in hand as I can’t decide if I’m in a Pinot or Sauvignon mood tonight.
  5. Tell my child to please hold on just one more second as I cyber stalk someone on Instagram.
  6. Search Netflix for something for my child to watch that doesn’t involve a bloody Swan Princess, so I can peacefully complete a Buzzfeed quiz on my phone.
  7. Wonder why RSI has kicked in yet again in the hand that’s holding my phone.
  8. Argue with my other half about why when I send him to the supermarket, he only ever comes back with half of the things on the list and he then tells me that the supermarket must not sell things like bread and orange juice.
  9. Check Rightmove for the tenth time that day, just in case a new house has come on the market. You snooze, you lose!
  10. Realise the outfit that I ordered for her is too big , so I have to spend time altering it anyway.*
  11. Write this blog.

So yes, be wise, be like me and spend an obscene amount of money on an outfit that your child will wear for one day and never again.

*Haha I’m joking. As IF I would ever pick up a needle and thread. I get HIM to do it.

P.S. I’m not against people creating outfits for their children. I personally just don’t have the talent, patience nor the inclination to create one i.e. I’m lazy.