Why Women’s Procreation Choices are None of Your Business

Why is it that when it comes to women and their reproductivity, all sensitivity seems to get thrown out of the window. People want answers and the ability to ‘mind one’s own business’ is completely forgotten or seen as not necessary to apply in this situation.

Hands up, how many of you have been probed at some point in your life about what your reproductive intentions are? How many of the following questions sound all too familiar:

“When will we hear the patter of tiny feet?”

“Don’t you want children?”

“Are you going to have any more children?”

“Why didn’t you have any more children?”

Or who’s heard shockingly brazen statements uttered such as “You better hurry up, you’re not getting any younger you know”.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, quite a few of you. Even though she’s worth millions and is gorgeous, I can’t help, but feel sorry for Jennifer Aniston and the constant interrogation she has had to endure surrounding when/if she is going to get pregnant. She is now 47 years old and she still has to put up with speculation regarding whether she has finally got knocked up or not.

Aniston told People magazine in 2014 “I just find it to be energy that is unnecessary and not really fair for those who may or may not [have children]. Who knows what the reason is, why people aren’t having kids. There’s a lot of reasons that could be, and maybe it’s something that no one wants to discuss”.

Yet so many people don’t seem to get this.

I’m going to talk about my own personal experiences of this now, just to offer a background and an explanation as to why probing women about their procreative intentions might not be a good idea.

My family is a single child family. Once at a toddler group, a stranger who I had just met asked if I “just had the one child?”. When I informed her that I did indeed just have the one child, the response was met with giggles. She then immediately asked if I intended to have any more at some point. Having been asked this question on numerous occasions before where I have felt the need to justify or explain my response, I decided just to simply reply with “Nah”. Again, my response was met with even more mirth and further probing as to whether one child was enough for me and a statement that I clearly couldn’t cope with another child. All of this was said with much amusement regarding my situation of having just the one child. I didn’t correct her nor did I laugh along with her, I just changed the subject.

Except, as you may have guessed the truth wasn’t that one was enough for me and that I couldn’t bear to have another child. It was just easier to let her think this than explain myself. It also would have upset me to try to explain. This woman was a stranger and I was in a public building surrounded by many other strangers and associates and didn’t fancy bawling my eyes out for all to see, but mainly (in the most British way possible), I didn’t want this woman to feel awkward. I was more concerned with upsetting her than my own inner turmoil I had to cope with every time my child’s lack of siblings was discussed.

The truth is, my partner and now husband after many years of discussing, crying, sweeping it under the carpet, discussing some more and crying a lot more, came to the heart breaking decision not to have any more children and to stop at one. It was not an easy decision and it was made with a heavy heart. We wanted more than one child. We wanted our child to have a sibling. We wanted to be parents to children, not a child, but having more would not have been a wise decision for us.

Whilst I was pregnant with my quite frankly wonderful daughter (yes I am slightly biased, but what of it?), I suffered unbearable pelvic girdle pain that left me unable to walk and I had to be signed off from work for the majority of my pregnancy. After I gave birth, I seemed to be relatively pain free for the first two weeks, but then the pain came back. For the first year of my child’s life I was constantly in pain and could rarely leave the house, I was in fear every time I took a step that I wouldn’t be able to withstand the pain that it produced or that my leg would give way all together. Slowly, things got slightly better, but I still suffer a lot of pain and have developed arthritis in my ankles and knees and still have days where I am unable to leave the house. Getting my daughter to school and back is a daily battle and I am terrified at 40 years old, of what my life will be like in years to come and how immobile I might potentially be.

On top of this, pregnancy caused me to lose my hearing (a rare, but not altogether uncommon condition called Otosclerosis). I am very deaf in both ears and rely on hearing aids to get by. If I was to have another child, it is guaranteed that I would lose even more hearing. I don’t have much left as it is.

My mobility problems, the pain I’m constantly in and my hearing loss led us to come to the decision that having a second child would be extremely detrimental to my health and would greatly impair my abilities as a Mother. We made the decision not just for me, but for our existing child. My husband works away a lot and as southerners living up north, our families are over 200 miles away. I have to be able to look after my child as there is no one else that we can rely on to help us out. Even if we did move closer to family, the prospect of both my mobility and hearing further deteriorating is quite frankly depressing.

I don’t feel like the person I once was before my pregnancy. My hearing, leaves me struggling to join in with group conversations and I move slowly and as little as possible. I used to dance, sing, go running and for long walks, but these activities have been greatly hindered by my conditions. In fact, they’ve been made near impossible.  I can’t enjoy the things I once enjoyed.

So, when people laugh (whilst I understand, quite innocently) at the fact I only have one child, when people probe for reasons behind this decision, they have no idea of the heartbreak going on inside me.

This applies to every woman who only has one child or has no children. Nobody knows what is going on behind closed doors, so why possibly rock the boat? Different women will have different reasons. For many they have just not been able to conceive or they have suffered miscarriages. I cannot imagine the heartache this brings and then for someone to insensitively point out to them that they’re not getting any younger and need to hurry up is beyond inconsiderate and tactless. Some women have chosen not to have children/have more children because of their family situation, for health reasons, childcare issues, career situation or for financial reasons. Some women don’t have children because it’s just not for them or they have one child because they are just happy with that and have no desire to have more. This reason is the one people seem to be able to handle the least. However, as with all the previous reasons it is no one’s business, but the woman’s and her partner’s.  There seems to be a desire for society to know what is happening with women’s bodies and whether they’re putting a baby in it or not. It is nothing short of nosey.

I have had some interesting phrases thrown at me. Regularly my family is referred to as “your little family “. Whilst this may seem inoffensive to some, it can come across as belittling and a tad patronising. My family maybe smaller than yours, but is no less of a family.

At the end of yet another awkward conversation I had with someone demanding if I was to have any more children, she actually said the following sentence to me:

“Aaah, well at least you’ve had the experience of being a Mother”

It was as if having one child is just an experience, but having more is the real deal. Trust me, Motherhood feels very real to me when I’m up in the middle of the night soothing my child who is vomiting up blackberries and dying her bed covers and carpet a rather fetching gothic purple colour. It also feels real, when she comes home from school and for the umpteenth time tells me about how someone has upset her at school and I just want to run upstairs and cry for my beautiful child and instead, I have to keep it together and listen and advice and comfort. It also feels real when in a single month I have to pay her ballet fees, pay for a new pair of shoes and buy Birthday presents for the 4th Birthday party she’s been invited to in a month- FFS (this is when I’m very grateful I just have the one child to be fair). I am not merely “experiencing” being a Mother just because I have one child, I am very much living it. Whilst, I understand I won’t be experiencing dealing with squabbling siblings or two children being ill at the same time, I will be dealing with different aspects of Motherhood that you don’t have to deal with. For example, as my child doesn’t have a sibling to play with, I am the only person she has to play with at home. Sometimes being a parent to a single child feels like you have to be part-parent/part-sibling.

It’s comforting to know I’m not alone though. Interestingly, single child families are on the increase. The reasons are plenty as I mentioned above. It does seem to be becoming the norm. The average number of children per family is now 1.7[1] compared to the 2.4 that traditionally was the number of dependent children per household many years ago. Within my daughter’s class at school 7 of the 30 children are from single child families. This is almost a quarter of the children in her class, but that is considerably lower than the national percentage that is 47%. Almost half of families with dependent children in this country are single child families. As I reel off these statistics I think of friends who insist the number of children they have is the best number of children everyone should have. That’s great for them, but it is not for everyone.

When someone feels the need to probe a woman (or man, though I would argue women have to deal with this question more than men do) as to why they have only had one child or indeed if they are planning to have any, they should instead resist. Nobody knows what turmoil people are going through. Nobody knows the upset your innocent question will cause and to be honest, you really don’t need to know the answer. Your life will go on quite happily without knowing the answer. Whereas your question can upset someone for the rest of the day or becomes just another reminder that will stay with them forever of their difficult situation and that they’re not living up to society’s expectations (tsk). Women don’t want sympathy; they just want a bit of sensitivity.

Despite originally wanting more than one child, I am so happy with my family. I will always feel a bit sad and a little guilty that I didn’t provide my daughter with a sibling to bully –I mean- enjoy and that I didn’t provide my husband with any more children. That aside, we are a happy family. The three of us are a jolly team that make each other laugh and bestow each other with “family cuddles”. It is paramount that I am happy with what I have and I refuse to let myself be eaten up with the loss of the second child that I never had. If I was sad that I only had my daughter, that would be extremely unfair to her and would send out the wrong message to her.  The right and truthful message is that I am beyond happy with her and of course I realise that despite everything- I am lucky. I have more than what some people have. In the words of De La Soul circa 1989, three (for us) is indeed the magic number.

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[1] Office of National Statistics “Family Size” publication, published in 2012.

49 comments

  1. Laura · May 3, 2016

    Really informative and a good read. I can slightly sympathize as I don’t know how many people asked me ‘when are you going to start a family?’ when I was going through IVF. I guess it’s just something people say. When you’re single, they ask when you’ll meet someone, when you have two girls they ask if you’re going to ‘try for a boy’.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts

    Like

    • thebeasley · May 3, 2016

      Thanks so much for your comment Laura. That must’ve been so hard when you were going through IVF and having to deal with such questioning. I agree, I do think people just ask these questions without much thought. It can seem entirely innocent to them, but can mean something else entirely to the person on the receiving end. Cheers.

      Like

  2. Clare Walkinshaw · May 3, 2016

    Thank you for publishing this, I for one am guilty of asking but not out of ‘probing’ I’am just someone who takes an interest in people I meet to get to know them better, also just my character and I’m not alone many other women ask the same question to me. I too cannot have anymore children I’m just glad I was able to have my son before tragedy struck in 2014. Funny thing about this is my manager asked me last week if I had done a pregnancy test as she found one in a bin in one of the loo’s (knowing full well I was no longer able to conceive) I now just answer with a yes or no answer, I don’t go into detail about why I can’t have children though. What happened to me was un preventable……..
    I just put things like this down to curiosity and interest which isn’t a bad thing in my eyes nobody knows anything about anybody and that is where questions come in. I do understand but I understand from both sides of this. An interesting and thought provoking read! X

    Like

    • thebeasley · May 3, 2016

      I hear you Clare and totally understand what you’re saying. I guess everyone has different sensitivity levels too. I think there is a difference in the way people ask or their reactions. Sometimes it bothers me less than other times & that might be in the way I’ve been asked. I’m glad it’s provoked discussion. Cheers for your comments x

      Like

  3. Sue Chick · May 3, 2016

    Thank you so much for writing this heartfelt, sensitive, brave and personal blog. I totally agree with you and your blog is a very Informative read about a very sensitive subject. I have nothing but respect and admiration for you and your family. Totally agree that 3 is the magic number. Love me xxx

    Like

    • thebeasley · May 3, 2016

      Oh thank you so much Sue. Three is indeed the magic number xx

      Like

  4. Paula · May 7, 2016

    Hi Hayley, what a wonderful blog, all myife I’ve been asked if I was going to have kids, it didn’t work out for me, relationships, my body (eptopic) and miscarriage. On the whole now I don’t regret not having kids but do have some wonder of what I missed out on being a mother, a role wont ever fullfil. I have been sad and broody and other times grateful as I have a wonderful life.
    I now have an amazing partner who has three older kids who I’m lucky to share my life with, so I have the best of both worlds. 3 is a great number! Xx

    Like

    • thebeasley · May 7, 2016

      Thank you love! I hear so much from friends that haven’t had/haven’t been able to have kids that they’re fed up of having to justify their situation/life choices to people. It’s so bloody personal & everyone is different. So happy to hear you’ve got a great partner & nice step-kids to boot xx

      Like

  5. Ritu · January 22

    Totally struck a chord with me. It’s a totally Indian this game to start questioning a new bride almost immediately about impending grandchildren … I had PCOS and didn’t know until we had tried for a while. It got to the stage that I just said “It’s in God’s hands” and that placate them, knowing we weren’t physically trying not to have kids!
    Luckily we were blessed with two tiresome miracles who are so precious.
    And I had that whole pelvic thing in the second pregnancy… ouch!!@

    Like

    • thebeasley · January 22

      Aargh! I can just imagine! It’s so much pressure that nobody needs. So happy for you that you have two little darlings now though!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ritu · January 22

        Thanks Hayley!

        Like

  6. emfletche · January 22

    Such a wonderfully written and heartfelt blog Hayley, and I still find it crazy that we have to justify our choices if they are not considered to be “the norm”. I’m a single child (and I turned out marvellouslly 😁) and after losing two daughters before me it would have put my mom’s health at risk…it was a painful choice but my parents put all their effort and love into making my childhood, and transition into adulthood, one full.of wonderful memories.

    And my husband and I decided to stay child-free. I’ve never had that urge, that craving, that need to become a mother, to do so would simply be because it’s “what society expects”. When people ask – as they so often do – I simply tell them I don’t like kids! That usually stops any further questions 😂

    Like

    • thebeasley · January 22

      Cheers love.

      That’s such a comfort to hear re being an only child. It’s quite shocking how people, without thinking, will in front of me explain another child’s bad behaviour by saying “well he is an only child”!!!! You can imagine the steam coming out of my ears. Plus every only child I’ve met has been wonderful! People speak such bullshit sometimes.

      I was only saying to my friend the other day (who also decided motherhood wasn’t for them), considering the amount of questioning I get for only having one child, what must it be like if you have none. Some people can’t handle it. It’s ridiculous. Whatever women do with their wombs, it’s never good enough X

      Liked by 1 person

      • emfletche · January 22

        I use being an only child to explain my strengths and my faults!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Gary · January 22

    Absolutely brilliant post. Can’t abide the way some people judge or want to judge because someone doesn’t “comply” with their version of “normal”. People, even now still tend to look at MH as if it’s alien too. Nobody should have to justify why they choose to do one thing or another. Behind the smiling face there is often a damn good reason for a decision. Your post proves that entirely. Kudos to you for being brave enough to tell your story!

    Like

  8. Ritu · March 7

    Hayley I totally sympathise with you on this one. It’s just the norm for old Indian hags to start the questioning as soon as the nuptial rounds are complete. We took a while as I had PCOS and it took a couple of years… then once our miracle son arrived… it wasn’t long before the refrains started up again but asking when we were bringing a sibling home for him… or lost an Ovary and suffered 2 miscarriages before we were blessed with lil Princess.
    Luckily I’m quite Hardy. And I believe in talking about things but not everyone is able to deal with the questioning… and neither should they feel the need to explain themselves.
    My brother I law and wife are both over 40 and haven’t had kids… they get the “have a child now, while your other us still able to look after it!” As if you only have kids for the grandparents!!!
    Hugs to you and enjoy your family no matter what size it is xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · March 7

      My friends that have decided not to have any children get so much hassle. It’s ridiculous. People can’t get their minds around the idea that women don’t have to have children. Anyway, very pleased to hear you have two beautiful little people after everything you’ve been through xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ritu · March 7

        Thanks Hayley. Definitely for me it’s a “live and let live thinking … ” xx

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Em Linthorpe · March 7

    Hi Hayley! It was so interesting reading your thoughts on this topic. I was a parent to just one! imagine! daughter for 9 years, and had I not met my current partner then I wouldn’t have had my son 2 years ago. I still get questioned by my mother if and when I’m having another one, and my partner would like another child too BUT I think I’m done. I’m not sure but I’m very happy with the family I have. You’re so right in that lady is different and the choices she makes regarding her family are not always cut and dry, there is often a lot of emotion tied to her decisions. It is certainly not the business of strangers! Much love to you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · March 7

      It’s unbelievable isn’t it, that people are insistent that they need to know what you’re doing with your womb?! It’s like- leave me & my womb alone please! x

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Jennifer · March 7

    What a beautiful family. I only had one child as well. But I knew that one was my limit and that’s what I would tell anyone nosy enough to ask. (Secretly, it was a little fun to watch their reaction to it as this was the 80’s) and having big families was still in style.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · March 7

      Haha yeah it is also a bit fun watching people not quite comprehend not doing the norm! Thanks love x

      Like

  11. globalhousesitterX2 · March 7

    Yes great read. We are also another couple who have tried IVF and were not sucessful. We weren’t lucky or unlucky depending on your view point. My biggest blessing is having a wonderful husband who is my best friend. So there is a life out there to be forged without children. If you do have them then that is equally as good 🙂 Enjoy your little girl 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • thebeasley · March 7

      Life just isn’t black & white, is it? So glad that you have a lovely husband, who is also your best friend. Not everyone has that. Thank you xx

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Traci York · March 7

    Ugh, people can be so thoughtless! I know so many women who’ve gone through this ridiculously intrusive questioning by everyone from family to total strangers! I’ve gotten it on both ends. We didn’t have our first (by choice) until we’d been married for about six years – by which time, most people were losing their minds. Then endless questions again almost immediately as to when we were going to have another. Followed by even more questions after my third (including one from a former close friend – “You have one girl and one boy, Why did you go and ruin your perfect family by having another?”).

    My heart hurts for you having this pain (mental as well as physical) in your life. While I’ve only known you a short time, I can say with confidence, “You’re a ROCK STAR!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · March 7

      Ha oh thank you Traci. That’s a lovely comment. It’s frustrating, isn’t it, that whatever a woman does when it comes to procreation, it’s never good enough. I cannot believe someone questioned why you’d want to “ruin your perfect family”. What exactly constitutes a perfect family anyway?! x

      Liked by 1 person

      • Traci York · March 7

        Exactly! I think a perfect family is the family that’s perfect for you, and everyone else should just hush! Our youngest has already made the mistake of telling my mother she never wants to have kids (which hubby and I fully support), so at 16 freakin’ years old, she’s having to justify her choice! *forehead thwack*

        Liked by 1 person

      • thebeasley · March 7

        Oh goodness! It’s the feeling that one has to justify our choices/lives that annoys me the most. I completely empathise with your daughter x

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Gay Stepdad · March 7

    Great post Hayley, I’m one of the men that get asked ‘when are you going to have kids?’ as I’m a Stepdad but not a biological one. If only it were that easy… I’m not into Turkey baster love and as much as I would love to have my own, I’m more than happy with the family I have married.
    Sorry to hear of all the problems you faced during pregnancy, I feel your pain (literally) with the arthritis. Who gets to define what the ideal family is anyway? It’s 2017 not 1957! Lovely to hear about your perfect family x

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · March 7

      Thanks so much Matt. Exactly, there’s no such thing as the “ideal” family. So glad to hear you’re happy with your lovely family. I can just imagine all the questioning you get. People are so bloody nosey. Eurgh and yes arthritis is a bitch! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Jo (Fallen Angel) · March 7

    I’ve chosen not to have children, and have been met with shock when people have asked whether or not I plan to have any. Like, I somehow couldn’t be complete as a human being, or woman, without children! Well, yes I can and yes I am! People need to mind their own business!

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · March 7

      Yes exactly! Life comes in so many different forms. It’s not there just to fit into social norms & expectations. People definitely need to mind their own.

      Like

  15. emilypageart · March 7

    Yesssssss. I was a single child and life was lovely. I never had to compete with a sibling for my parents’ attention. I never wanted kids (and actually had to end a couple serious relationships because the guy wanted kids and I didn’t), and it turns out I probably can’t have them anyway thanks to endometriosis. I also have some other health conditions that I wouldn’t want to pass on to a child. So no kids for me. But I get asked on a regular basis about if I have or when I’m going to have kids. It drives me insane. It’s not a super touchy subject for me, but it’s obnoxious. Sometimes I’ll respond with, “No, I can’t.” And that usually shuts people up. Thanks for posting this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · March 7

      Thanks Emily. That’s so comforting to hear that you had a lovely childhood. So sorry you’ve had to put up with all the questioning too! It’s so silly x

      Like

  16. This is such a great post! I find the older you get the more questions you get. It’s so rude to ask someone and I have many friends and myself that are trying or have had difficulties in getting pregnant and you just shouldn’t have to explain that to someone. People always think it’s an innocent question but it really isn’t. The worst is getting asked one of those questions just as you come on. Your already dealing with sadness and then some idiot makes it worse. The choice and discussion about having children is down to man and woman involved. Everyone else needs to butt out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · May 7

      Exactly! So sorry you’ve had to put up with all this. People are so unbelievably insensitive sometimes and considering it’s SUCH a personal subject- people really should know better. Much love x

      Like

  17. josypheen · May 7

    Urgh. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. It makes me sooo mad how insensitive people can be about what might be happening in a lady’s uterus! I wish they’d all bugger off. 😦

    I’ve had people telling me I’m running out of time for over 10years now. I feel like I’m totally past it. Mostly it just makes me angry at whoever says it (normally close family…)

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · May 7

      Yes it is normally close family that take it upon themselves to point out the bleeding obvious. I just couldn’t imagine myself ever saying that to someone & that was before I had my issues. Cheers x

      Liked by 1 person

      • josypheen · May 7

        I told my family off, so they no longer ask. Nowadays they just offer me a G&T or wine, and when I say yes they look a little sad(!)

        Liked by 1 person

      • thebeasley · May 7

        Good for you!

        Liked by 1 person

  18. Circle of Daydreams · May 7

    Who can know what has happened or gone on in someone else’s life, and why things are the way they are. I’m a tad tired lately of judgemental people who can’t see past their nose to even think about how their words may affect others. I would dearly have loved to have had children, a child…. but life did not turn out that way for various reasons. I’m okay with that now, and don’t dwell on it, but in another life…… Your family sounds delightful, and your daughter is lucky to have such a wonderful Mum! I was basically an only child as my brother and I are 13 years apart and he had left home by the time I was 6 or so. My life with Mum and Dad was something I feel so lucky to have experienced. We were in the country, and I didn’t have many other children to play with, but I couldn’t have asked for a better upbringing!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · May 7

      Thanks so much for sharing your story. Yes I find as time goes by the more peace I require regardibg the fact I could only have one child. Also, hearing about your experiences growing up was very comforting for me to hear, so thank you x

      Like

  19. Well said. It always amazing how intelligent people who should better ask this question. So many topics are taboo like how much money you make, religion they wouldn’t ask but do this for some reason. Just heard someone give statements to use about another topic when asked one response was “why is this important to you?”

    Like

  20. Thank you so much for sharing this. It always amazes me how people who know why I have “only” one child think it’s acceptable to “joke” about how I should have more, and strangers just need to mind their own damned business. The worst are the people who warn me that I’ll regret not having another, and in such dire tones, as if I’m not an adult who is aware of the passage of time or who cannot count.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · May 7

      Bloody hell! Who on EARTH has the right to tell you’ll regret a life choice?! Like you said, it’s so insulting. As if you don’t have the intelligence to think things through & have just made a major decision flippantly. Grrrrrr. Sorry you have to put up with this rubbish too. Thanks for reading x

      Liked by 1 person

  21. angelanoelauthor · May 7

    Thank you for sharing your journey to mom-hood and the problem of “just.” Few people plan to demean or belittle another families choices, but it seems like family size is one of those things the world feels it owes it’s opinion on. I recently met a lovely family of thirteen children (or four of them at least). Their tales of an ever-busy house are hilarious and wonderful, but also wonderful is my little single son calmly asking questions about his cousin’s baptism . . . “why do they light candles?” and “what does the water mean?” Questions he might not have been able to ask if he had siblings competing for parental attention. My point is our experiences are (hopefully) mostly delightful and unique and OUR OWN. I am so sorry about your pain, but so grateful to learn more about what you have created within your family.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · May 7

      This is it exactly. Each family is different & unique. The “perfect” family does not exist. It’s whatever is perfect for you, works best. Just because someone’s family is different from one’s own, it does not make it wrong or not enough/too much. Thanks Angela x

      Like

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