The Insignificance of Romance

 

sunset-hands-love-woman.jpgWhen I got married, I made the speech that traditionally the groom makes. This isn’t so shocking in itself, but what surprised people more is that my husband didn’t make a speech at all. He (quite wisely) left all the talking to me. Did this bother me? Not even in the slightest. I made the speech because my husband’s greatest fear is public speaking. Whereas for me, it doesn’t remotely bother me. I’d even go as far to say that I quite enjoy it. Just because I don’t have a penis, why should I sit there silently and let my husband do all the talking? Equally, the sexism prevails that a man is automatically expected and pressured to make a speech, but if a woman doesn’t make a speech then nothing is thought of it. Therefore, there was no chance that I was going to make my husband stand up and do a speech, rendering him in panic mode for the duration of our ceremony and reception drinks afterwards, worrying incessantly about the job ahead of making a speech. Nope, it was his day too and he deserved to be relaxed and enjoy it all. As did I. People understood this, but some people still thought he should have made a speech regardless. They still thought he should have stood up and made his declaration of love for me for all to hear. Didn’t I want this on my wedding day? Nah, you’re all right mate. I’ll survive.

For me, I don’t need my man to stand up and announce to a room full of people “hey everyone, I like, really love this woman with all my heart. She’s quite fit ‘n’ all and makes a mean chilli too” (I do make a mean chilli, as it happens). All I want from a man, is to *know* that he loves me without the need for it to be verbally clarified.

You see, I’m not a woman that needs romantic gestures at all. In my twenties, I thought romance was important. I wanted to be spoiled and made to feel special. I wanted flowers, surprises and gifts that he’d given a great deal of thought to. Now in my forties, I see very little importance in it all.

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Now, my husband does indeed buy me the odd treat (my favourite being when I was heavily pregnant and he brought home a Cadbury’s Creme Egg for me- I’m a simple woman) and don’t get me wrong, if a man wants to give me chocolate, I’m not going to throw it back in his face. I’m no idiot. Free chocolate is free chocolate. However, I don’t need and I don’t judge a relationship if one isn’t bestowed with gifts. For me, anyone can go into a shop, pull out money and buy flowers. Money spent and material objects are not love. I don’t need him to buy expensive jewellery to prove his love to me. A flash designer label handbag is not needed to make me feel loved.

For me, things that you cannot see or feel are love. I just need a man to be kind, to listen, to support me, encourage me, bring the best out in me. Who I know will always be my rock. Who I can rely on and whole heartedly trust. And I hope, I also provide these things to my husband in return. Chocolates, flowers and expensive gifts are inferior compared to these things.

I’d even go as far to say that I don’t need a man to say “I love you”. I’d much rather feel it, than hear it. Romantic platitudes have no soul for me. A profound connection with a man is everything. Romance is nothing, but two dimensional.

And when it comes to weddings, I certainly do not want to criticise anyone’s choice on how they want to spend their wedding day. It’s a very personal thing and what suits one couple won’t suit another. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed big, expensive weddings. They’re a lovey day out. And of course, you can have a huge wedding and still be a couple madly and genuinely in love. However, for me personally fancy table decorations, elaborate flower arrangements, wedding dresses that cost thousands of pounds and an engagement ring that costs 3 times your monthly salary (or whatever bollox that rule is) is not love. Long speeches about how much you love someone (whether it be on your wedding day, on Facebook or down the pub) is not love. The person making the speech about their love, may of course genuinely mean it and feel it, but it’s not imperative to a relationship or marriage in the slightest. Any fool can talk, any fool can spend money. Love does not cardinally prevail in these tokens. Love just is.

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On our wedding day, happy and relaxed.

75 comments

  1. Lisa Orchard · February 12

    That was so kind and considerate of you to not make your hubby stand up and give a speech when he’s afraid of public speaking. That shows your love for him as well. Sounds like you had the wedding day you wanted and isn’t that what we all strive for? Kudos to you for making the day a lovely one for both you and your hubby.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ritu · February 12

    This is food for thought for all those gushing romantics out there who feel the world as we know it, stops on 14th feb… and is replaced with hearts and roses… if you love someone they should know and feel it daily not just on one day!

    Liked by 2 people

    • thebeasley · February 12

      Oh so true Ritu. The idea of having just one day to show someone you love them, is ridiculous. Though we do use it as an excuse to get a takeaway and drink some fizzy haha x

      Like

      • Ritu · February 12

        There is that lol! I’m spending it away from hubby this year. Visiting my parents… was the only time we could fit in a visit to see them! Still, absence makes the heart grow fonder lol !

        Liked by 1 person

      • thebeasley · February 12

        Haha absolutely x

        Like

      • Ritu · February 12

        🙂😍

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Good for the both of you, making your day(and lives)special for each other! When my husband takes out the recycling in the morning(and I didn’t ask)I know that he loves me. It’s different things for different people 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. angelanoelauthor · February 12

    The picture of you two relaxed and happy is the greatest testament to love. I tend to want the “I Love You.” But, I’m more in need of saying it than hearing it in return. It feels so good to say the words, to let it burst out of me at that moment when love wells up like a fountain inside me. It’s either going to need to come out in the form or words or tears, and I like the words better (and they don’t require a kleenex). I couldn’t agree with you more about the tokens. Though a thoughtful gift is always nice, it’ll never ever be a substitute for the real stuff. And to require them as a sign of the love that lies beneath is a sign that something is amiss. Lovely post. Long live love!

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 12

      Agree Angela. There’s nothing wrong with a thoughtful gift. There’s just some people who need the gifts otherwise they question their partner’s love for them without stopping and looking at all the regular everyday signs of how much that person loves them. I too will suddenly feel the need to tell my husband that I love him, but I hope I show more often how much he means to me.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. rachaelstray · February 12

    I think real love isn’t about those huge romantic gestures and statements it’s in the little things. You didn’t want to make your hubby do something he’d hate just because it’s tradition. My husband gets me flowers every week because he wants to. I do little things for him as does he with me that show we love each other.

    Liked by 2 people

    • thebeasley · February 12

      Lovely. Yes it’s just sill expecting someone to do something just because it’s tradition.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. gigglingfattie · February 12

    This is definitely needed a few days before Valentine’s Day. Some of my peers are still in the “lavish me!” phase of it all and I’m over here thinking the exact same as you have written. It’s hard to explain to people sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. SickChristine · February 12

    I love this so much. It’s like contentment vs. joy. I’d rather be content, quiet and happy, than shrieking, flailing joy. Contentment is peace, as is real love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 12

      Yes agreed. I’m not sure if it’s my age or life experiences, but I’d much rather live a life of constant contentment than moments of joy. Cheers Christine.

      Like

  8. fancypaperblog · February 12

    I agree! Actually our wedding day was extremely unromantic in So many ways yet the days after, sleeping on an early train to Bruges with no makeup on was so much more loving.
    Love your dress though!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 12

      Thank you! I loved my dress so much and I’m not afraid to say I got it for about £90 in the Monsoon sale ha. Aah sleeping on the train to Bruges sounds very lovely indeed.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Unbound Roots · February 12

    Hayley, I appreciate you! On my wedding day, I sort of stole the mic from my husband as I was the first one to make a speech – and I talked for a long time. My husband actually got a little peeved that I talked about everything he was going to talk about. Ha! I – like you – don’t sit back and allow things to happen the way they are traditionally supposed to happen – wedding speeches and all. 🙂 Love this post of yours!

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 12

      That’s fantastic! High five for fighting against traditions! Thanks so much Erin.

      Like

  10. josypheen · February 12

    I love this Hayley!

    My husband confessed that he didn’t really want to do a speech in the car on the way to our reception. He hates public speaking too. So, we stood up and spoke together (ehem, maybe slightly more me!) It was really fun. I’ve chatted to lots of my girlfriends about it, but it seems lots of my friends were glad not to speak at their weddings. I figure if you’d like to speak, you should.

    Meh. Love is more the how you act towards each other all year, not what you say in front of everyone or what you buy on valentines day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 12

      Oh that sounds so cute! Bless you for being so supportive and it’s great that he felt he could be honest with you. Yeah I think women get “let off the hook” as it’s always assumed the man will make the speech, which isn’t fair on either the man or the woman. Cheers Josy

      Like

      • josypheen · February 12

        I guess I’d be more worried if he didn’t feel like he could tell me!

        It worked out well. I had invited some friends from Japan so it was nice that I could say a few words to them in Japanese – it would have been mean to expect my husband to do that!

        Liked by 1 person

      • thebeasley · February 12

        Haha yes. That’s so great.

        Like

  11. Matthew · February 12

    Great post. At our wedding my wife’s mum and dad walked her down the aisle to give her away, and both my wife and I gave speeches; people were surprised that she gave a speech, but why on earth shouldn’t she?! It is very strange how brides are expected to be mute on their wedding day. Our wedding was also a bit unusual because I didn’t have a best man; he died a few weeks before. I wrote about our wedding a little bit here: https://mrmatthewruddle.com/2018/01/16/the-best-man/

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 12

      I’ve just read it & it brought a tear to my eye. I’m so sorry xx

      Like

      • Matthew · February 12

        Oh, thanks. It’s OK, it was ten years ago. it was very bittersweet.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. emfletche · February 12

    This is such a wonderful piece Hayley! Hubby and I are both anti-Valentines (although yes, we do bow to the Hallmark pressure and buy a card) as we don’t feel we need a reminder in the calendar once a year that we love each other. We certainly don’t feel the need to splash all over social media how we have THE MOST WONDERFUL HUSBAND/WIFE IN THE WORLD (kissy kissy emoticon, heart eyes emoticon). And I certainly don’t need flowers – which in my experience will always die as soon as I lay my decidedly non-green fingers on them. Now, a Cadburys Creme Egg? I could definitely go for that!

    Liked by 1 person

    • emfletche · February 12

      Oh, and we both did a speech at our wedding – I had to make sure all the right people were thanked in the right place… all he had to do was remember to tell me I looked beautiful 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    • thebeasley · February 12

      I’m here all day for gifts of creme eggs. Eurgh I know the gushy Facebook posts really irk me. Yes, we know you’re the luckiest person alive & you’re terribly in love, but you know I’d rather watch cat videos that hear about this.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Dammit, between this and valentines day i’m not sure whether i want to send out love letters or jump from a window. This shizzz is beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. April Munday · February 13

    The photograph of you both is lovely. You both look very happy.

    I’ve never understood the need for hugely overpriced weddings. Why start marriage in debt? Isn’t the marriage more important than the day it begins?

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 13

      I don’t really understand it either. Each to there own & all that, but it’s not for me. I got my dress cheaply in the sale, my mum picked all the flowers from her garden the morning of the wedding, we did the music & decorations ourselves. It was all lovely & cheap 👍🏻

      Liked by 1 person

  15. MindOverMeta · February 13

    Love this, and I’m so glad you wrote it because I’d started questioning whether there waa something amiss with me! Like you, free chocolate is never going to be turned down. Funnily enough, my hubby loves creme eggs so if I know he’s had a tough day I’ll buy one for him. I don’t need to hear “I love you” every day, because it loses it’s meaning and can come across a bit of a throw-away if said too often. I think I’m just not one for being overly affectionate, but I show my love in other ways. I know my hubby loves me by what he does for me and how he treats me. Looks like you two are good for each other as well 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 13

      Yes I think saying “I love you” all the time loses it meaning. I’m still very affectionate, but can’t be bothered with commercial romantic bollox or grand gestures & declarations of love. Give me a creme egg any day over that fakeness 😃

      Liked by 1 person

  16. amindfultravellerblog · February 13

    Such a beautiful post Haley. I hear you 100%. My husband and I never celebrate Valentine’s day, because for us, after 20 years of marriage, Valentine’s Day should be everyday. Just the simple things and knowing your love is true and honest, is more than money can buy. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Bryntin · February 14

    Well done Hayley, took me a few goes to find a properly logical wife who saw through all this Hallmark and old male-oriented society tradition rubbish. I can do romance on my own terms and in my own way, always have. Don’t have too many Creme Eggs though, unless you want to end up the same shape as one…

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 14

      Hey, one can never have too many creme eggs. Thank you & yes it all a load of bollox indeed.

      Like

  18. Lorna · February 16

    Neil and I both made wedding speeches, ha! Most romantic thing ever: When I was pregnant, I craved mashed potatoes. One night after a film, we went to a restaurant where they had really good mash. Truth. They had stopped serving, but Neil asked the chef to make some for me. I got two servings. Turns out that the chef’s wife was pregnant as well, so he understood.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 16

      Oh my god, that is so fantastic. What a chef. What a husband!

      Like

  19. fattymccupcakes · February 17

    I love this so much. His love for you is written all over his face in that picture. As a woman with a man who can barely utter, “I love you” 😂, I totally, completely get it. He says he loves me everyday he doesn’t shank me in my sleep for being annoying me 😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 17

      Haha. Same here! I did get a Cadbury’s Creme Egg for Valentine’s Day, so he obviously really, really loves 😃

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Carol · February 18

    Hallelujah …I am not alone…a lovely post and that look of love, while you are signing the register, is awesome 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Denzil TheBookOwl · February 18

    The message I get from this Hayley is simply to be yourself and not be forced to do/think/act/buy/speak etc in any way that is against your inner feeling and desires. I applaud you for being bold enough to go against tradition, and also for your husband to not force himself to “do the manly thing”. Gee, so many of these traditions need to be carefully looked at and thrown out if they are of no personal use or meaning.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 18

      This is exactly it. It’s about respecting people as individuals rather than them being forced to do things or not do things that doesn’t suit them. Thanks Denzil.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Ms Zi You · February 18

    Such a great post, we need more strong independent women who are prepared to change some of the ridiculous conventions we have a a society.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 18

      Absolutely. There’s still so many silly traditions out there. It’s time to break the mild 💪🏻

      Like

    • thebeasley · February 18

      *mold not mild ha

      Like

  23. Debbie Harris · February 18

    I loved reading this and seeing your love for each other. Everyone is different and how they show love is their business. I think the photo of you both says it all. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  24. ButterflyinRemission · February 18

    I’m gad I’ve read this post and totally agree, there is so much pressure on couples to ‘show’ they love each other that it can have a negative effect. Its easy to go and buy chocolates/flowers rather than really understand what your partner needs or wants… I see posts of Facebook of romantic gestures when I know the reality is that they are not as happy together as they like to show on social media and it makes me mad, I don’t post on there, I don’t need to, my husband does buy me the odd bouquet of flowers but our relationship is much deeper than that. I know these posts make some people feel like their relationship is failing when it isn’t!!! Your post makes so much sense,

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 18

      Thank you SO much for your kind comment. And I’m so glad my post makes sense. I see those kind of Facebook posts all the time and so often they don’t tell the real story or they just make people feel bad who aren’t in relationships. It’s a bit like they’re showing off and it’s a bit gross. Anyway, thanks so much for reading & commenting x

      Like

  25. anhistorianabouttown · February 18

    Romance is certainly different things to different people, and I think that it is important for people to communicate that! Also, Cadbury Creme Eggs are the best, so I fully support that gift 🙂 (Which makes me realise, I should go buy some, it’s about time for them to appear….)

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 18

      They’re in the shops here now, so hopefully they are in Canada too. Thanks Jessica.

      Like

  26. susielindau · February 18

    Awww! That is such a beautiful picture! He’s looking at you absolutely filled with love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 18

      Thank yoooou. I am rather fond of this photo. Plus my father took it, so it’s extra special x

      Liked by 1 person

  27. hotmessmemoir · February 18

    Well said and you are 100% right. As a sufferer of public speaking anxiety, I appreciate that you allowed him to skip speaking and you did it.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Gloria · February 18

    I made a speech also at my wedding (my second one). I tried to sell hubby’s golf clubs to the highest bidder!! As a joke of course.
    Aw…..we’re both romantics but it’s all year round not just on Valentines. Actually, our Valentines always include our little girl who just loves all the love, hearts and flowers – and why not?
    The flowers and little tokens mean something because I know hubby truly loves me. And it is just little things! Often, it’s just words and simple gestures – things that cost nothing! We love going on dates too although they don’t happen too often. We just enjoy it, it’s fun and makes us laugh!
    But trying to be romantic just for the sake of it doesn’t work!

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 18

      Exactly. To each their own and all that. Yes my daughter also loves all the hearts & flowers, but mainly the chocolates. Oh date nights! I do love those. We get a chance to actually talk to each other properly, but like you we don’t often get to go on them. Cheers Gloria.

      Liked by 1 person

  29. Ellustar · 6 Days Ago

    Reblogged this on SEO.

    Liked by 1 person

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