The School Run Game

Guess what gang? I’ve invented a new board game. It’s called (just in case you didn’t discern this from the title of this post) The School Run Game. Yes, it’s a board game based on getting your little darlings to school on time. The game will come with little mum or dad shaped counters that will smack of existential angst. There’ll also be a dice that you throw to see what fate you and the light of your life will meet during the school run. Now  until the game gets the final approval from Hasbro*, I’m sharing below all the fun you can come across during the The School Run Game. With a handy dice, a pen and paper and some dried up raisins for counters you could probably play the game at home right now. Enjoy!

School sign.jpg.gallery

  • You bark at child until they have their coat on (never done up), shoes on (probably on wrong feet) and hopefully with their school bag. Excellent start (go forward one place)
  • You leave the house at 8:40am and it’s perfectly dry. Torrential downpour commences at 8:41am & continues until 9:10am when it suddenly becomes perfectly dry and sunny again. (Swear under breath)
  • See a parent ahead that you can’t be bothered to have a conversation with. You walk really slowly so that you don’t catch up with them (go back one place)
  • Look behind you and see lots of parents you know well enough to have a conversation with, but notice that they’re all walking really slowly and probably won’t catch up with you (Cry inside)
  • It’s winter, you’re in the UK, it’s icy, you slip and land on your arse. You sit and cry and seriously consider commando crawling all the way to school (miss a turn)
  • Your child slips on ice and lands on their arse. You yank them back up, tell them they’re fine and march on regardless. You ain’t going to be late for school again and a little slip on the ice isn’t going to delay you (go forward one space)
  • A little shit A small child whizzes past you on their scooter, whacking your hand as they do so (which fucking kills) and then they suddenly stop in front of you, causing you to suddenly stop in your tracks and you put your left knee out (go back two places)**
  • You arrive at the school gates and conveniently there’s an impromptu game of football taking place RIGHT BY THE GATES. The football naturally whacks you on your head, knocks your glasses off and you yell at no one in particular (go back one place)
  • Inside the school gates, you see a member of the PTA looking hopefully in your direction. You pull a speedy, dodging move that the best rugby players in the word would be in admiration of (go forward two places)
  • You see your favourite school mum and literally skip towards them for a gossip pleasant chat (go forward three places)
  • Your child falls and lands in a muddy puddle. The twat. (miss a turn)
  • Your child has an argument with another child and no one can understand what it’s about. And nobody ever does…(go back one place)
  • You get caught up in a horde of active wear mums about to go on a group run (go back two places)
  • Whilst waiting for the school to open, you get stuck with the playground bore describing in minute detail their plans for the day (Cry inside again)
  • You forgot your child’s pack lunch, you absolute bellend (go back to the start)
  • Your child for absolutely no explicable reason decides that they don’t want to go to school today and they start crying. Between you and the teacher pushing them into the classroom, you managed it. You’re heartbroken, beaten up, traumatised, but you got your child to school on time whilst keeping them alive. Congratulations. You win.

*Hasbro are actually yet to learn of my brilliant idea

**Feel free to read my further thoughts on fucking scooters here

Celebrities In London

Actual photo of me on the school run

55 comments

  1. Those damn scooters! They are the bane of my existence here in Germany. Trying to get to the shops and I am being run over by 3 years olds scooting by and trying to kill me. Never happened in America, well, most of the 3 year olds are too fat to use a scooter..but anyway. Scooters, ugh!

    Liked by 3 people

    • thebeasley · February 19

      Haha. What is the obsession with fucking scooters! I’ve done another post where I had good rant solely about scooters (link is at bottom of this post if you ever feel like reading it), but I have a strong feeling you may agree with a lot of it.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I totally agree with it!! I also have to admit that I feel a dark sort of joy when the little monsters no longer want to scooter…then mom/dad get to carry the scooter all through the shops. I have turned into an angry old man..”Get off my lawn!!”

        Liked by 2 people

      • thebeasley · February 19

        Haha. I’m very much a grumpy old man about it too. Nobody ever bothered with scooters “when I was a kid” goodness knows why people insist their kids can scooter now at any given moment.

        Liked by 1 person

    • ortensia · February 20

      they are everywhere ,the only worst thing of a kid on a scooter is an adult on a kid scooter…plenty of those here in Ireland…

      Liked by 2 people

      • I haven’t seen too many of the adults here in Germany…but kids that are barely old enough to walk are on the stupid things. Right at shin level. Makes me crazy!

        Liked by 2 people

      • ortensia · February 20

        you need pads on your ankles and never an apology from the darling mothers when they bang on you because,obviously,you are supposed to move…….

        Liked by 2 people

      • thebeasley · February 20

        No nothing is more important than a child on a scooter having the right of way in a pavement. Oh don’t get me started on my hatred of scooters.

        Liked by 1 person

      • ortensia · February 20

        I know the feeling……🙄

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Phil Taylor · February 19

    I think that actually would make a good board game!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. April Munday · February 19

    Very enlightening for those of us without children. It’s a lot more fraught than I remember it being when I was at school, but perhaps I’ve just blocked the bad bits from my memory.

    Liked by 2 people

    • thebeasley · February 19

      Ha I think it’s a lot less fraught for the kids. It’s us jaded and grumpy parents that feel it I think.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Matthew · February 19

    Very funny piece, and as a stay at home dad, I emphasise with all of it. Did you watch Motherland, a sitcom on BBC 2 recently? It was great, all about the school run and other parenting challenges, although the stay at home dad character was too daft for my liking.

    Liked by 2 people

    • thebeasley · February 19

      No I’m gutted I missed it! I heard it was good and I can imagine I can relate to it. Yeah I heard about the stay at home Dad character- shame that he was a bit too silly.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Matthew · February 19

        It’s worth checking out if it becomes available on streaming, it has some hilarious situations 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. angelanoelauthor · February 19

    I enjoyed every word of this post. I always feel bad about not wanting to have a conversation with every mom–but like you said–perhaps they’re avoiding me too!
    And all the ice falling!!! This is the most true to life picture of a normal day I can imagine and any game manufacturers out there should definitely take note.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. sarahsouthwest · February 19

    You forgot the time you arrive at school and every other child is in fancy dress/non-uniform, and your child isn’t, throws a complete wobbly and has to be taken home to have something manufactured in the 10 minutes you don’t have before you will be late for work.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. okiewinegirl2015 · February 19

    The next version features teenagers half undressed when they enter the car forgetting phone, textbook, instrument, and proceeding to gripe at you because they are now late (go back 1) and could you please give them a check for the music tutor pronto because they have a lesson today and of course the check book is at home securely on your desk, oh and there’s s Latin club meeting till 5:30 please pick them up although you have to be across town exact same time (go back 6 spaces)
    Yeah, the game would be a hit but you should also get bonuses of a shot of whiskey every other turn!

    Liked by 2 people

    • thebeasley · February 19

      Oh God, I’m trying to live in ignorance about the teenage version of this game haha. Also good idea re whiskey shots with every turn.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. middleagedwarrior · February 19

    Hahahahahahah! This is hilarious and painfully true

    Like

  9. middleagedwarrior · February 19

    Yeesh I’ve dropped my kids off either in fancy dress when it wasn’t or in uniform when it was fancy dress FIVE TIMES! Awful awful. Last time they wouldn’t get out of the car and I teacher had to run over with some dress up stuff. You’d think 12 years of parenting would have sorted me out by now.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. rachaelstray · February 20

    This just made me snort out my juice in laughter. I’m not a mummy but I have a lot of friends who are and they can confirm the struggle is real! I think this game would sell lol

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 20

      Haha. I think people would need alcohol to get themselves through it!

      Liked by 1 person

      • rachaelstray · February 20

        I think you could be right!

        Liked by 1 person

  11. ortensia · February 20

    so ironical true.i saw myself through all the post except for the fact I usually have the dogs in the car too.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Steve · February 20

    Have you ever watched the tv shows Motherland or American Housewife. If not, you really should!

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 20

      No, I’m gutted I missed Motherland, but it’s on my list of things to watch though. Never seen American Housewife either.

      Like

      • Steve · February 20

        I’m not sure if motherland is still on iPlayer but defo worth a watch

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Anonymous · February 20

    Fricking LULZ mate! I’ve had a couple of years off this malarkey but I am indeed back to square one (do not collect £200) in September.

    I do have some actual quite fond memories of the first time round, big group of mams and kids, playparks and soft play parties. It all went a bit rubbish around year 3 though 😂 eeeeh I have a year in me eye, lass! And not just from a scooter wheel to the ankle! X

    Like

  14. Em Linthorpe · February 20

    Fricking LULZ mate! I’ve had a couple of years off this malarkey but I am indeed back to square one (do not collect £200) in September.

    I do have some actual quite fond memories of the first time round, big group of mams and kids, playparks and soft play parties. It all went a bit rubbish around year 3 though 😂 eeeeh I have a year in me eye, lass! And not just from a scooter wheel to the ankle! X

    Liked by 1 person

    • Em Linthorpe · February 20

      Tear in me eye 😭, not a year. A year in the eye would knack!

      Like

    • thebeasley · February 20

      Oh no. What happened after year 3?!

      Like

      • Em Linthorpe · February 21

        I dunno really, it wasn’t a sudden change but gradual. Some mams fell out over daft things, so trying to avoid taking sides was a thing. Three mams also became TAs and because they were busy and not waiting in the playground anymore, the relationship dynamics changed. They became educational professionals working with our kids, their friendships shifted to the teachers and not the mams…

        Liked by 1 person

      • thebeasley · February 21

        Oh yeah I can see how that can change dynamics. Shame isn’t it, when people fall out over silly things. Life’s too short etc etc

        Like

  15. Very funny.. and I am sure there is a market for it. Get it patented quickly. best wishes Sally.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Losing the Plot · February 25

    Brilliant! Seriously consider sending that to an app company x

    Liked by 1 person

  17. emfletche · February 25

    Can we do a non-parent version which involves a driver trying to get to work without a) crashing into the back of a car stopping in the middle of the road to let our their little darling, b) crashing into the back of a car which has stopped on a green traffic light to let our their little darling; or c) running over the little darling that emerges from said car?

    Liked by 1 person

  18. hotmessmemoir · February 25

    I like this game! I want to play! So true and funny! We leave at 8:10 and at 7:59, my 9-year-old is still on the sofa watching cartoons and I’m like, you need to brush your teeth and your hair, take your plate over and get dressed and you only have 11 minutes. Go! It’s like pulling teeth but then again, I blog up until the last minute, forcing me to put my makeup on in the car during my commute.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thebeasley · February 26

      Haha. I know, I’m barking at my daughter to get ready, but then I’m behind time myself as I’m fucking about on my phone & not being productive! I should’ve put that in the game.

      Liked by 1 person

      • hotmessmemoir · February 27

        I always blog till the 11th minute. There are sometimes where I’m like, ‘do I really need to take a shower? I mean, I haven’t sweated or anything.’ Or ‘Can I use dry shampoo just one more time? I could get more stuff on Pinterest if I do that.’

        Liked by 1 person

      • thebeasley · February 27

        I read this comment in bed, doing blogging stuff and avoiding getting in the shower haha

        Like

      • hotmessmemoir · February 28

        I’m like, “dry shampoo don’t fail me now!”

        Liked by 1 person

  19. Padmanabhan Nair · March 26

    Just went back 30 years to relive those days.
    Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

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